If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.