[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.