male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
LMAO.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
We’ve come full circle
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?