“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
You Might Also Like
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.