Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
blocked.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*pronounces fake like saké*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.