Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.