Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.