“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
This took me a second..
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Tony Hawk, age 6
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor