me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”