Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
bro what is going on at twitter
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Velcrow
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.