“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
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[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
sry
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’