If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
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Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
how to market bottled water to dads
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.