Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Breaking news:
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Flowers bee like
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go