I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
We’ve all been there
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.