I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.