*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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WHY?!
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean