I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply