dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Happy thanksgiving
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”