Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
me 2 months after i graduated
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
it is time once again
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Not today.. 😂
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.