I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I have a new favorite meme page
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE