If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
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Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I can’t wait!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling