Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
You Might Also Like
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.