FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?