Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Respect
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.