bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
me linking you to my twitter
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.