Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
it’s finally my moment to shine
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
This is Sparta
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.