I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.