I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.