Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
*pronounces patio like ratio
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
#catsoftwitter
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.