Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
huge if true: the moon
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.