I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it