Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My sex drive has a dui
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Got him!
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Yup!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
March 16
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once