*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything