i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band