On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern