[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says