If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Teamwork makes the dream work.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app