HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?