liiiiiiiiike
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.