Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You Might Also Like
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?