“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
awkward
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.