Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark