I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
We decided to have money instead of children.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
hmm conte-me mais
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it