Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016