I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.