[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken