🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.