Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive