[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
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Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
men, we mow at sunrise.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]