Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
You Might Also Like
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO